On Being Pregnant

It is Blair Mitch’s first time to play pregnant. I say “play” because even though I’m nearing my fifth month of pregnancy, I still have not yet fully absorbed it all. Talk about extremely late adaptor!

I am normally adept at other things but I have become a total klutz in this pregnancy business. For starters, I completely flubbed my home pregnancy test. I had to take it three times to finally get convinced that yes, faint as it may seem, that is still a second red line, bringing it to two red lines. Read: POSITIVE.

As my tummy grew, I vainly tried to hold on to my pre-pregnant clothes. I jury-rigged my jeans with rubber band fastenings. I clung to my heels for dear life. But alas, one by one- my clothes gave up on me. One weekend, none of my shorts would fit and I was left with my husband’s pants as my only viable option. He laughed his ass off. I tried to put up a brave front but was dying inside. The shame!

I have also become my absolute worst version: a crying, whining, moody child. My favorite line to Christian would be, “You do it!” delivered with a pout and crossed arms. My memory would fail me at the worst possible times, like forgetting to flush after my numerous pee breaks. Truly, in pregnancy you only get rounder, not sharper. The horror! I waddled like a duck (in wedge heels) always trying to catch my breath and hollering, “Wait up, wait up, wait up! Slow down, slow down, slow down!”. It was enough to make my hubby pull me aside and ask me in earnest, “Who are you and what have you done to my wife?!”

And the eating! I have matched (and probably overtaken) Christian in the eating department. Gone were the days when we would share dishes. Nowadays I always demanded my own and with second helpings too! Finally, my monstrous appetite has been legitimized. I was scarfing down KFC zingers at 9am. I would gobble up everything my well-meaning office colleagues offered me. At one point I found myself clutching popcorn, Boy Bawang peanuts, Macadamia nut chocolates and a Goldilocks ensaymada with a dazed expression. I have even tried to put the eating to good use by starting a food blog!

Most days I can’t wait to start ballooning. Especially when some clueless person would come up to me for the nth time: “Okay are you pregnant or have you had another one of those big lunches?” But just today I was examining my tummy in the mirror and observed that my belly button had turned squinty eyed, like it was threatening to erupt any minute. A definite sign of major things to come. I was happy-scared. Entering uncharted territory! I only had the heavens to thank that I didn’t have a belly ring to compound the situation. I had a brief vision of skinny me in a Taste Me tee. And then Abba started singing, “Those were the days my friend…”



However I would tell you that there are great things about being pregnant too:
1. People are solicitous to you. You will never wait in line nor carry heavy packages again. Someone’s always willing to help (and with a smile too, such rarity these days!).
2. You are generally adored and celebrated for perpetuating the human race. Such bravery! Not a single soul will dare slam a woman for being pregnant.
3. You are licensed to get a whole new wardrobe. Caveat: this is of course assuming you know where to shop. Do yourself and your baby a favor and lay off on the big bows, sailor collars and big floral tent tops. You might as well just get a table cloth, cut a hole in the middle and stick your head in for an instant poncho.
4. You get to have the boobs you’ve always dreamed of! The words “cleavage” and “décolletage” won’t sound foreign anymore.
5. And best, you get to have your own “Mini-me”!

I used to ask people half-jokingly, “So can’t I just order ‘em babies in say, small or medium, like tank tops?”. Normally I’d get shrug and a smile. Until someone came up with a very good answer: “Honey, you can order them but you gotta deliver them too.”

I can almost imagine myself in a room full of (klieg) lights, dramatically turning to my ob-gyne with a breathless stage whisper, “Doctor, I am ready for my epidural!”

Well really, I just can’t wait to hold my very own baby. And if takes the morning sickness, the unbelievable weight gain, the absence of caffeine, wine and Excedrin to combat migraine…I think I’d still go pregnant anyway.